PRiDE AND iDENTiTY

Fear No 2: literally anyone finding out about my writing - still feel it but mostly ignoring it

Fear No 3: Trying Clothes again - …crickets

I’ve been writing this for months, and I’m still not happy with it but there’s only so much perfection procrastination I can allow. So here’s the imperfect version… I hope it’s not awful internal rambling.

If you know me or have ever known me you know I love clothes. You know I LOVE clothes. YOU KNOW I LOVE CLOTHES! SO some disclaimers - I’m about to talk about getting dressed, and about God - lots. If you are here thinking ‘yeah I’m not on this God thing’, I get it - but I promise this isn’t a secret ‘here’s why you should believe in God’, it is just an integral part of my journey.

My art is and has always been clothes, however, I did not have a ‘healthy’ relationship with my art. For a long time my art defined me, I found identity in the things I could produce, do and wear. This action centred identity was essentially pride manifesting in my life. So when one day life happened and I could no longer produce, do or wear - I lost my identity and confidence, and ended up a frustrated and broken mess.

In that downtime God taught me some things about how my love for clothes and creativity got in the way of my joy and peace in Him. He showed me that my art defining my identity is detrimental for the following reasons:

It means anything that happens with that external thing impacts my internal.
It becomes about just self-expression which even with the best intentions leads to self-centredness and pride - especially if there is a lack of self awareness/blind spots (surprise - there was).
Because I want a God-centred life, it leads to God having to break those things down to build me up again… imo, 0/10, not worth it, skip the practical lesson and just avoid that false identity in the first place.
It defeats the point of the gift/creativity - which whatever gift you have, the point is to love up on people (If you are Christian to love God is also the point Matt 22:37-40). My gift or passion can never come before loving other people*. It was never meant to define me.
My worth is not tied up in what I can offer. Our worth is in being human and for me believing in God, my worth is because He created me in his image and He loves me.

On reflection I think a lot of my creative choices/art/expression, pointed to me. Which is not an outright bad thing, but it became dangerous when I stopped considering impact, lacked self awareness and tied my value to it.

As a Christian woman (even just a woman), clothes are often a touchy subject. The conversation regarding what women should wear has always been a melting pot of materialism, humility, misogyny, culture, tradition, opinions, personal struggle, feminism, individualism etc. all indiscriminately thrown in, creating a indistinguishable soup of mess - which when consumed in the wrong community with the wrong proportions can make loving fashion feel like you are innately evil and selfish. Although defining appropriate dress is not what I intend to discuss, it is a factor of this topic I think I need to acknowledge. Most importantly I want it to be clear that in my opinion there is nothing wrong with clothes/styling/fashion being your art. The gift of style is not an evil, selfish thing. It is a unique gift that everybody does not have - if you can shop for days you have a gift. As with any other gift it is neutral, not selfish or evil unless you use it that way.

So how to not use it that way? I don’t fully know tbh. Along my journey, I’ve adopted some concepts which have helped to distinguish myself from my art and keep an identity crisis at bay. These concepts about my art are as follows:

It does not define me. It can express me, but doesn’t define me. Not ever. Without all the clothes I am still me.
It can actually help, like scientifically. Therefore it can be an integral, important, amazing and great thing (see link and then Matt 37:39, 1st Corin 6:19-20, Phill 4:8).
Despite my introversion I am not an island, so it does and will impact other people. The question I ask myself is ‘is it necessary?’.
- If I dress using fast fashion I am hurting people and the environment. If I have no other choice, fairs. Economy is TIGHT if you have to buy the £9 dress I get it**.
- Additionally naivety and ignorance means that I often underestimate the impact I can have by wearing different things. To consider impact on those around me is an endeavour I have to engage with actively and consciously. (God>people>things).
Knowing and understanding my why is important.
- Dressing is self expression and sometimes can be a tool for more self awareness and reflection. I went through a phase where I wore nothing but mismatched oversized joggers and hoodies, because I wanted to hide, to not be seen, I felt rubbish, dressed rubbish. When my outfit choices speak - I am learning to listen, evaluate and if needed solve.

I’m far from understanding it all - but self awareness, honesty and openness with God has helped me to form a more grounded and secure identity, to be released from the pressure of ‘performing a gift’ and the madness that comes with pride - the crashing and burning should I not be able to do my art anymore.

It feels like this is far more backstory than usual in my fear series - but essentially I think I have been avoiding my art because I am scared of being lost in fashion (yes I’m singing this to the tune of sister sledge lost in music). I am not really sure how to go about doing art without it defining me in the way it once did… it doesn’t feel like I have a complete understanding/clarity yet. So I will take my learning points and try again. If I come up with a system on how to consciously engage in my art - I’ll write about it. The answer is probably journalling 🙄 🙄 🙄 ***. So… here we go again, I will (try to) share my wardrobe more in coming posts. Hello fashion blogging!

lol I think we all knew it would get here 🙃

* not at the sacrifice of your wellbeing, because that automatically disqualifies you from being able to love others - the text says ‘as you love yourself’.

**if you still see me in Primani and Zara, look at the petrol prices and face your front.

*** if you hadn’t guessed I hate journalling. I love buying the journals, but hate journalling.

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