Fear Pt.2

Fear No 2: literally anyone finding out about my writing - processing

And with a new month, I address a new fear. I enjoyed January as it was so long it kept me far far away from the next fear on my list. ‘Why haven’t you published your list of fears?’ I hear you ask - because that is too much commitment and we will address my weird relationship with commitment another time.

Regardless, the next fear on my list is that people will read what I write 🙃. More specifically that they will hate it, or think ‘here she goes again starting something she will not finish’, or even worse - find this blog with my vulnerabilities and fears and use them all against me (another reason to not publish a list of my fears). In my head someone jumps out of nowhere leering at me, saying ‘hahaaa you are scared of judgement, well I’m judging you and your punctuation - ah ha ha ha ha evil laugh’ or I walk into a room of my friends all whispering about how weird I am, or even worse I walk into a room and receive condescending ‘aww, I’m so glad you did this blog for you’ with the ohh-bless-you arm rub and a look of what-a-sad-life in their eyes.

I think part of the fear is that I once was actively pursing a career in styling and creative direction. So actively that I nearly quit my job and gave my verbal notice to my employer. My community knew me as the girl who did styling, they endorsed and supported me. * PLOT TWIST * I am not doing styling or creative direction.

awks 🐢

I had a creative drought/creative breakdown for about 3 years that I am still trying to make sense of. Kind, well-meaning people would ask ‘What is happening with your creative stuff? Have you left your day job yet?’ with expectant excited faces and I had nothing for them. It always felt awkward, imagine someone innocently asking about your ex-fiancee. Shame, failure, letting people down, letting myself down, etc. etc. (insert clip of Tyra Banks screaming we were rooting for you)*.

It is also not the first thing I’ve tried - prepare to enter the failure vault - I’ve tried to do YouTube 3 times, I got halfway through developing an app, I cannot keep any herbs alive, I started a course in psychology, my aloe vera plants died, I tried to learn to code, the arise course is still not completed…

Is it awkward yet?

How about now?

All this to say, I am pretty scared. What I have learned about fear so far is both annoying and uncomfortable, as the solution to addressing fears seems to be unpack it a bit, and then just do it. Nike really hit the nail on the head with that one.

So I’m doing it like Nike**:

I will post my blogs to the gram - this will be the first. Slightly irritating cause it isn’t even my favourite (‘Starting… Again’ is).
You can subscribe now - somewhere below
Comments are on - you can judge me publicly lol - plz don’t 😬
I don’t really know how to end this so I will just stop. Thanks for reading 🤍

* yes I am dramatic, and yes this is humour

**if you know the soca song I love you

Blog