Get Over It

Get Over It

A year later and it’s still weird. Grief is strange, because to this day I don’t know that I’m actually capable of being “over” anything. Everything that has ever hurt me still does. Which from what I read and hear people say in todays we move culture makes me feel very unusual.

Truth is I’m not sure what people mean when they say they are over things. Do your negative feelings actually disappear forever, never to return again? I’m able to have more diverse feelings about the losses in my life as time goes on, but no matter how much time passes the pain remains. Smaller than before (unless I’m triggered/tired/overwhelmed), but it remains.

Part of me feels very angry with myself. It says “Get Over It” and decides I must be weak for not having that ability those around me seem to have. That gene skipped me apparently. I worry I will never actually get over anything and the accumulative pain will eventually give me Takotsubo syndrome and kill me. Sometimes I don’t think having a healthcare background is beneficial.

Why do sleeper trains blow their horns at midnight? Why not just flash their lights? And speaking of lights why do the new fancy cars BMWs and the Range Rovers have such blindingly bright lights?! Like you’re in Kensington not the Scottish Highlands.

Then part of me says that being completely over something is overrated, and the likelihood is many people lie to themselves. Although there is a weird peace that comes from knowing my Grandad isn’t in physical pain, or emotionally frustrated about his loss of independence and with it freedom anymore- the pain of his absence still cuts through me like a blade of ice a year later. The gratitude of knowing my Grandma isn’t confused and distressed anymore is still accompanied by a deeply painful longing for her to call me her Dandelion and tell me about the dolphins in Barbados 8 years later.

Conclusion - loss of any kind just sucks, and I suspect the “get over it” mantra is oversold and under-delivers.

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