A Letter to Extroverts From Introverts
Dear Extroverts,
We are exhausted. On the edge. Tiyad. Yes the world may be open again but we are not. Going back to the office is costing so much more than it once did and we are all 3 steps away from rage quitting our friendships/jobs/everything or fervently praying for something that causes lockdown again but without anyone being hurt.
Sadly, the solution is not as simple as ‘leave us alone’ (please don’t do this, but also do, but also don’t). Part of the solution is understanding. So in this open letter, I will do my best to address some of the things which may help our relationships.
Introverted ≠ shy/unfriendly/quiet
Introverted is not the same as shy, unfriendly or quiet. Yes, sometimes they come together but they aren’t the same. I personally am friendly, confident, mostly quiet (sometimes loud) AND very introverted at the same time. Introverted simply means that we mainly re-energise by spending time alone whereas you mainly re-energise by spending time with other people.
Shy, unfriendly, quiet and social anxiety etc. are different things entirely and happen across all personality types.
Please don’t say ‘No you aren’t! You’re not shy’ when I say I’m introverted. Yes, yes I am friendly - but chances are I would rather be at home. Introverts reading this - is it just me or is this response the way to 100% KNOW someone is an extrovert? Comment below if this is you.
We do get energy from people - just not as often
Similarly to how eventually you will just need some time to yourselves, we will also eventually need time with others. How often and how much we need social vs alone time is the only difference between us. Lockdown taught me and many others our limits - it was humbling*. For the first time in my life I understood why my extrovert friends wilt if they are alone for more than 12 hours. I take this time to publicly say I am sorry, I have been very dismissive in the past. I take it all back, people are very necessary.
It isn’t about you when we say no
I promise, we love hanging out with you and doing all sorts of fun things - but we cannot give our best if we have not rested in the way we need to. It isn’t because we don’t like you, or that we hate you.
Surprise** visits/people are not fun 99% of the time
Introverts spend time alone to prepare for interactions. Yes all interactions. Yes the shop keeper, yes my mum and yes my best friend. Caveats to the no surprise people rules are when social interaction is a prepared for e.g. I’ve prepared to spend the day with my 2 best friends, surprise! 2 other close friends come OR I have arranged to meet my dad and brother, brother pretends dad isn’t coming - surprise! dad comes.
I know you may still not understand this one. So go with me, imagine this for a moment - you are on a fun day out with 3 of your favourite people. There is a whole day planned with incredible food and stimulating activities that you love. Things are going great, but suddenly all of them have to go home. One’s child is sick and they have to get them from school, one is contacted by the police to say they need to come to the station at once and the other becomes acutely sick and has to go home. You cannot go with any of them, you left your phone at home, there are no backup people because your ‘fun day out’ was a hike in a remote location on a Wednesday in term time and you are left alone. That feeling, the indescribable strange discomfort, is what it is like to have surprise people.
Small talk will kill us
That’s the end of that really. Tbh I don’t know who enjoys this, can we all just not?
We desperately need you in our lives and love you dearly
If it was not for extroverts I would not leave my house. I love my other introverted friends dearly, but 95% of our interaction is remote because we are enablers. WE NEED YOU SO WE LEAVE THE HOUSE AND DO FUN THINGS. Otherwise I will forget there’s a whole world to see and happily stay inside with my plants forever.
Please be patient
If I haven’t replied it is because the reply I want to send will involve conversation and I can’t do that yet. Usually because the energy I have available to me is not there yet. However, this is because I have personally stopped replying half-heartedly - I will reply when I have the energy to do so. You may meet introverts who don’t do that and they may send you short/abrupt messages which halt conversation - they’ve just chosen to reply anyway. This system is flawed so if I haven’t replied in like 3 days, text me again - I have defo forgotten :/. If it is urgent call me.
All of these will vary person to person, refer to your local introvert for best practice guidelines - but you get the gist. If you have never done a personality test, my favourite is found here https://www.16personalities.com, it is an incredible resource to help understand yourself and others.
We love and appreciate you, but please leave us alone. But don’t. But do.
Peace and love to you people-loving humans,
Introverts
*This happened about 4 weeks in, suddenly one day my physical body was distressed - I now know why they describe it as ‘itching to get out’. Horrible experience, 0/10.
** Here I am defining a surprise as an immediate change. For some introverts a surprise is also ‘Hey I am coming in 2 days/ 2 weeks etc.’. Refer to your local introvert for best practice guidelines. Generally the ones who live alone have way more capacity than the ones who don’t.